Even as we move further away from the height of the pandemic, its effects on children continue to reveal themselves, including what appears to be kids’ lagging independence. One New York mother told me her 7-year-old had no idea how to use a key to unlock a door — an adult was just always home to let them in. Another parent in Chicago shared that her 8-year-old son insists he’s unable to spread peanut butter and jelly on bread by himself.
In some ways, the pandemic may have offered opportunities for kids to build self-reliance (and do more chores) since their parents were preoccupied by household duties. Unfortunately, independence-undermining parenting also flourished — the byproduct of families being home together all the time, added to a rise in over-involved parenting in general — overriding much of kids’ gains in that area. The good news is that the natural resilience of children means it’s not too late to get their independence back on track.
Independence took a dive earlier than you might think.
In the summer of 2020, when my own daughters, ages 8 and 10, took off on their bikes to ride around the neighborhood, I felt anxious about their safety. I have the privilege of living in a safe neighborhood, and yet the pandemic had heightened my worries about letting my children explore the world without me. Even as a child psychologist and parenting writer well versed in the downsides of too much supervision, I struggled to let them out of my sight. I wasn’t the only one: Intensive parenting (also known as helicopter parenting or lawnmower parenting) is often driven by fear and anxiety, which the pandemic provided in abundance.
But even before the pandemic, parental hyper-monitoring and supervision became the norm in the 2000s, and we’re seeing the byproduct now. High school graduates are arriving at college unprepared for independent life and, according to college professors, new undergrads are functioning well below their predecessors. Results from a national poll from the University of Michigan in 2019, for example, found that parents rated their teens as not independent with tasks important for adulthood, like being able to call and make a doctor’s appointment. In addition, one-quarter of these parents blamed themselves, saying it was just faster or easier if they took on those responsibilities.
Clearly, our children need to be more independent in childhood to grow into the successful adults we all hope to raise. Surprisingly, the pandemic may have gifted us a tipping point: The stress pressure cooker it created has forced us to reckon with the ramifications of years of doing too much for our children and interfering with their self-sufficiency. In my therapy practice and my community, I’m hearing more urgent angst about how children of all ages are not as independent as their parents think they should be. So, what’s to be done?
Parents should reach beyond independence and strive for autonomy with their kids.
For any parent looking to increase their child’s independence and confidence, whether that child is a 7-year-old clueless about keys or a 17-year-old daunted about doing laundry, parents can follow a science-backed framework called autonomy-supportive parenting. Although autonomy is frequently used synonymously with independence, independence is only one piece of the puzzle. Autonomy encompasses a general sense of agency in one’s life as well as a knowledge of one’s authentic self. Independence is naturally woven into the fabric of autonomy, because a sense of agency requires feeling mastery and competence.
In my years studying autonomy for my book, Autonomy-Supportive Parenting, I found that parents can intentionally encourage their child’s skills by using a set of evidence-based strategies. It’s worth the effort, because decades of research have shown that children of autonomy-supportive parents have stronger social skills, greater academic success, higher life satisfaction and better psychological health overall. This science-based framework of autonomy-supportive parenting offers parents the guideposts directing the path to child independence.
You can start in toddlerhood, but even if you haven’t, it’s never too late to start using these strategies. Since toddlers famously love to “help,” pick tasks that don’t make more of a mess to instill the idea that you trust them as helpers (wiping counters with a rag was a favorite in my house). With school-age children and teenagers, balance the non-negotiable expectation for increased independence with their choice of where and how to become more autonomous.
Here are some steps using autonomy-supportive strategies to prioritize and promote independence.
- Collaborate with your child. Find where they want to be more independent. Do they like making food? Fixing things? Organizing toys? Especially with older children and teens, get their input. Start with an activity that they enjoy, and the skills will come more easily, which means so will their confidence.
- Use scaffolding. Meet your child at their skill level, then teach, observe and step back. For example, if you want your 6-year-old to make their own breakfast, make a list of the steps to prepare a bowl of cereal. Let them go through the steps without your help, but with permission to ask for guidance or support when they need it. Next time they try it, encourage them to do more of it without you. This same approach can apply to an older child who needs to build independence in doing homework or solving a problem with a friend. Provide some coaching and then back off, letting them know you’re available when needed, but you trust in their skills.
- Express trust. Children constantly reference their parents’ reactions and emotions to see how they should also react and feel. If you exude calm and say, “I know you can figure this out,” they’re more likely to believe in their own competence.
- Don’t jump in. Remember the goal is independence, not a perfectly performed task. When my son at age 6 took on the chore of sweeping the kitchen floor, I didn’t expect him to leave sparkling clean wood. Notice a child’s effort and growth with specific praise, by saying things like, “You’re getting so much more dirt in the dustpan than you used to!” Avoid undermining their performance by doing it the right way after they finish (at least in front of them). Fixing what they have done communicates they didn’t do it well and will erode their confidence and motivation.
Keep the momentum going.
To use these autonomy-supportive strategies most effectively, focus on two essential ingredients throughout the process: your child’s internal motivation and your parenting values.
A child’s internal motivation fuels the drive for learning new skills. The toddler firmly declaring “do it myself” perfectly captures the hardwired human impulse for mastering skills and having agency. When you notice your child has this impulse (“can I try?”), seize the opportunity to let them experiment with their skills and find both what they are capable of, and where it’s okay to ask for your help. This scaffolding of skills boosts confidence and developmental growth.
On the heels of pandemic upheaval, if you see your child derailed from this natural impulse for independence (shying away from trying new things and taking risks), you can nudge them back on the track of healthy development with these strategies of expressing trust, expecting independence, scaffolding and collaboration. The parent can resist their own natural impulse to jump in by saying to their child, “You’re getting the hang of it all by yourself, so I’m going to get out of your way!”
You may have a child that seems content relying on you and not intrinsically motivated to be more autonomous. In this case, be explicit about the importance of independence as part of growing up and identify areas where they do have some motivation as a starting point. Maybe they love cookies and would welcome more autonomy in baking. If your child continues to resist your efforts to increase their independence, be curious about why. If they have the skills but demand help, there may be other barriers such as fears of making mistakes or doing it “wrong.”
On the parent side, remembering the importance of fostering independence as a value helps keep you on track. Instead of either doing a task for your child because it’s faster and easier, or rescuing your child so they don’t have to face the discomfort of failure, you’ll see opportunities big and small to nurture autonomy. Fortunately, most children come into the world with an urge for independence that is easy to promote once we prioritize it. You don’t just want your 7-year-old to learn how to use a key, you want them to feel confident in locking and unlocking a door without help. An autonomy-supportive home environment nourishes this potential even more. And let’s not forget the best part for stressed out parents: the more independent our children, the more freedom we have for our own autonomy.
Writer
Emily Edlynn, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist specializing in children and adolescents and the author of Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children. She’s also the mother of a son and two daughters. You can find her at emilyedlynnphd.com.
