Dear Abby: Mom doesn’t grasp my disgust for the brother who abused me

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DEAR ABBY: One of my siblings was abused as a child. In turn, he abused me when he was a pre-teen and into his teens. It stopped when he got a girlfriend at the age of 14. This was news to my parents.

Now that the cat is out of the bag, I have tried to explain to my mom that I don’t like being around him. She has heard me, but she pretends like it didn’t happen and still tries to get everyone together for holidays, etc. The idea of seeing him makes me sick, and I’m terrified for his children.

I went to therapy as a young adult to work out my issues with him and what happened. The abuse has affected my ability to hold onto relationships, and I fight depression often, which I am good at hiding. She keeps saying, “but you were so close as kids.” I don’t think she understands what “grooming” is. Can you PLEASE explain it in a manner that doesn’t make me feel like it was all my fault? — GETTING BEYOND IT

DEAR GETTING: Your fault? NONE of what happened was your fault! Predators groom victims by first establishing a close relationship with them, telling them they are “special,” that their bond is special, that the usual rules of behavior do not apply to them, bestowing time, attention and gifts, and pledging them to secrecy. Please show this to your mother. I hope it will help her understand that getting the family together is not in the cards now or ever.

I am concerned by your statement that the abuse has caused you to be depressed, which you are “good at hiding,” and which prevents you from forming relationships. Those issues might be resolved if, as an adult, you consult another licensed psychotherapist. While it may not be something you wish to revisit, I hope you will consider it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman who is engaged to a wonderful woman who has a busy life. We met online 18 months ago and felt an instant connection. She has two grown children, a 16-year-old son, two grandchildren and one on the way. We live five hours apart and see each other every three weeks.

My concern is that we talk only once or twice during the week and maybe text once a day. It is not enough for me. I have expressed how I feel, but I think she’s just too busy. She plans on moving in with me once we are married. I recently purchased a brand-new home. Because she is so involved in her family’s lives, I can’t see her leaving them to live with me. What should I do? — NERVOUS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR NERVOUS: You and your fiancee need to have a serious, in-depth conversation about how this will work. It is important you two clarify how she plans to divide her time between you and her family because, right now, you are getting the short end of the stick. Will the 16-year-old live with you? Because you aren’t getting what you need from this relationship despite the fact that you have explained what your needs are, it may be time to rethink this romance.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

Good advice for everyone — teens to seniors — is in “The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It.” To order, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

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