300 Funny Quotes to Make You Laugh Out Loud

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Looking for a very good giggle? We’ve received you lined with an enormous record of humorous quotes to make you giggle out loud.

And laughter really is the most effective medication in your soul.

Not solely does laughter cut back stress, it lowers your blood strain, offers you a wonderful ab exercise, and releases endorphins.

So to preserve you wholesome and comfortable actually, get pleasure from these 300 humorous quotes and get laughing.

Funny Quotes

People say nothing is not possible, however I do nothing day-after-day.

A. A. Milne

Better to stay silent and be thought a idiot than to converse out and take away all doubt.

Abraham Lincoln

If I have been two-faced, would I be carrying this one?

Abraham Lincoln

The smartest thing in regards to the future is that it comes in the future at a time.

Abraham Lincoln

The solely thriller in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Al McGuire

Light travels quicker than sound. This is why some folks seem brilliant till you hear them converse.

Alan Dundes

Nobody realizes that some folks expend super power merely to be regular.

Albert Camus

Men marry ladies with the hope they’ll by no means change. Women marry males with the hope they’ll change. Invariably they’re each upset.

Albert Einstein

The distinction between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

Albert Einstein

All the issues I actually like to do are both immoral, unlawful or fattening.

Alexander Woollcott

War is God’s means of instructing Americans geography.

Ambrose Bierce

It could be good to spend billions on colleges and roads, however proper now that cash is desperately wanted for political adverts.

Andy Borowitz

The common canine is a nicer particular person than the common particular person.

Andy Rooney

At each occasion there are two varieties of individuals – those that need to go dwelling and people who don’t. The hassle is, they’re normally married to one another.

Ann Landers

“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” – Ann Landers

Doctors are simply the identical as legal professionals; the one distinction is that legal professionals merely rob you, whereas docs rob you and kill you too.

Anton Chekhov

I don’t consider in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.

Arthur C. Clarke

My opinions could have modified, however not the truth that I’m proper.

Ashleigh Brilliant

To make certain of hitting the goal, shoot first, and name no matter you hit the goal.

Ashleigh Brilliant

Trouble knocked on the door, however, listening to laughter, hurried away.

Benjamin Franklin

Wine is fixed proof that God loves us and loves to see us comfortable.

Benjamin Franklin

Have you observed that each one the folks in favor of contraception are already born?

Benny Hill

Be who you might be and say what you are feeling, as a result of those that thoughts don’t matter and people who matter don’t thoughts.

Bernard Baruch

Most folks would sooner die than suppose; in reality, they achieve this.

Bertrand Russell

The world is stuffed with magical issues patiently ready for our wits to develop sharper.

Bertrand Russell

If you’re going to inform folks the reality, be humorous or they’ll kill you.

Billy Wilder

A financial institution is a spot that can lend you cash if you happen to can show that you just don’t want it.

Bob Hope

Inside me there’s a skinny particular person struggling to get out, however I can normally sedate him with 4 or 5 cupcakes.

Bob Thaves

We by no means actually develop up, we solely find out how to act in public.

Bryan White

As a baby my household’s menu consisted of two selections: take it or go away it.

Buddy Hackett

But the truth that some geniuses have been laughed at doesn’t suggest that each one who’re laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed on the Wright Brothers. But additionally they laughed at Bozo the Clown.

Carl Sagan

My favourite machine on the fitness center is the merchandising machine.

Caroline Rhea

All proper everybody, line up alphabetically in accordance to your peak.

Casey Stengel

“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles de Gaulle

I at all times arrive late on the workplace, however I make up for it by leaving early.

Charles Lamb

Don’t fear in regards to the world coming to an finish at this time. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

Charles M. Schulz

By the time a person realizes that his father was proper, he has a son who thinks he’s mistaken.

Charles Wadsworth

A day with out laughter is a day wasted.

Charlie Chaplin

Political correctness is tyranny with manners.

Charlton Heston

High heels have been invented by a lady who had been kissed on the brow.

Christopher Morley

If you like one thing set it free, however don’t be shocked if it comes again with herpes.

Chuck Palahniuk

When I used to be a boy I used to be advised that anyone might turn into President. I’m starting to consider it.

Clarence Darrow

Laughing at our errors can lengthen our personal life. Laughing at another person’s can shorten it.

Cullen Hightower

If you possibly can’t dwell with out me, why aren’t you lifeless already?

Cynthia Heimel

If you suppose you might be too small to make a distinction, attempt sleeping with a mosquito.

Dalai Lama

Remember, at this time is the tomorrow you frightened about yesterday.

Dale Carnegie

Education is studying what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.

Daniel J. Boorstin

It is a scientific undeniable fact that your physique won’t take up ldl cholesterol if you happen to take it from one other particular person’s plate.

Dave Barry

Never beneath any circumstances take a sleeping tablet and a laxative on the identical evening.

Dave Barry

I used to jog however the ice cubes saved falling out of my glass.

David Lee Roth

Everyone has a goal in life. Perhaps yours is watching tv.

David Letterman

The digital digital camera is a good invention as a result of it permits us to reminisce. Instantly.

Demetri Martin

A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to make certain, nevertheless it makes issues develop quicker sooner or later.

Denis Waitley

Biologically talking, if one thing bites you it’s extra seemingly to be feminine.

Desmond Morris

A pessimist is an individual who has had to pay attention to too many optimists.

Don Marquis

The remedy for boredom is curiosity. There isn’t any remedy for curiosity.

Dorothy Parker

Never doubt the braveness of the French. They have been those who found that snails are edible.

Doug Larson

To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.

Doug Larson

Human beings, who’re virtually distinctive in being able to study from the expertise of others, are additionally exceptional for his or her obvious disinclination to achieve this.

Douglas Adams

I refuse to reply that query on the grounds that I don’t know the reply.

Douglas Adams

There is a principle which states that if ever anybody discovers precisely what the Universe is for and why it’s right here, it’s going to immediately disappear and get replaced by one thing much more weird and inexplicable.There is one other principle which states that this has already occurred.

Douglas Adams

Don’t cry as a result of it’s over. Smile as a result of it occurred.

Dr. Seuss

I used to be born to make errors, not to faux perfection.

Drake

An alcoholic is somebody you don’t like who drinks as a lot as you do.

Dylan Thomas

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few individuals are and the frog dies of it.

E. B. White

If you suppose no person cares if you happen to’re alive, attempt lacking a few automobile funds.

Earl Wilson

The obligation of a patriot is to defend his nation from its authorities.

Edward Abbey

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard

A lady is sort of a tea bag – you possibly can’t inform how robust she is till you place her in scorching water.

Eleanor Roosevelt

My grandmother began strolling 5 miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know the place the hell she is.

Ellen DeGeneres

A pc as soon as beat me at chess, nevertheless it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

How many individuals right here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Emo Philips

I requested God for a motorbike, however I do know God doesn’t work that means. So I stole a motorbike and requested for forgiveness.

Emo Philips

Leave one thing for somebody however dont go away somebody for one thing.

Enid Blyton

Never go to a physician whose workplace crops have died.

Erma Bombeck

Never have extra youngsters than you’ve got automobile home windows.

Erma Bombeck

I drink to make different folks extra attention-grabbing.

Ernest Hemingway

Great artwork is the contempt of an awesome man for small artwork.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

“You’re only as good as your last haircut.” – Fran Lebowitz

Good recommendation is one thing a person offers when he’s too previous to set a nasty instance.

Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Marriage is the one battle during which you sleep with the enemy.

Francois de La Rochefoucauld

I can’t perceive why an individual will take a yr to write a novel when he can simply purchase one for a couple of {dollars}.

Fred Allen

The first time I sang within the church choir; 200 folks modified their faith.

Fred Allen

Patriotism is your conviction that this nation is superior to all others since you have been born in it.

George Bernard Shaw

We study from expertise that males by no means study something from expertise.

George Bernard Shaw

Happiness is having a big, loving, caring, close-knit household in one other metropolis.

George Burns

If you reside to be 100, you’ve received it made. Very few folks die previous that age.

George Burns

You know you’re getting previous whenever you stoop to tie your shoelaces and surprise what else you could possibly do whilst you’re down there.

George Burns

Have you ever observed that anyone driving quicker than you is a maniac, and anybody going slower than you is a moron?

George Carlin

I used to be eager about how folks appear to learn the Bible a complete lot extra as they become old; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for his or her remaining examination.

George Carlin

I’m in form. Round is a form.

George Carlin

If you attempt to fail, and succeed, which have you ever finished?

George Carlin

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” – George Carlin

Most folks work simply exhausting sufficient not to get fired and receives a commission simply sufficient cash not to stop.

George Carlin

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, flooring.

George Carlin

To these of you who acquired honors, awards and distinctions, I say nicely finished. And to the C college students, I say you, too, could be president of the United States.

George W. Bush

The surest signal that clever life exists elsewhere within the universe is that it has by no means tried to contact us.

Bill Watterson

Before you decide a person, stroll a mile in his footwear. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and also you’ve received his footwear!

Billy Connolly

I’ve at all times wished to go to Switzerland to see what the military does with these wee purple knives.

Billy Connolly

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any greater than going to a storage makes you an vehicle.

Billy Sunday

Whoever mentioned cash can’t purchase happiness didn’t know the place to store.

Gertrude Stein

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal goes someplace.

Groucho Marx

Behind each profitable man is a lady, behind her is his spouse.

Groucho Marx

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…could they by no means meet!

Groucho Marx

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx

I used to be married by a decide. I ought to have requested for a jury.

Groucho Marx

If you discover it exhausting to giggle at your self, I’d be comfortable to do it for you.

Groucho Marx

Marriage is the chief reason behind divorce.

Groucho Marx

A decide is a legislation scholar who marks his personal examination papers.

H. L. Mencken

The two most typical parts within the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Harlan Ellison

It’s solely whenever you have a look at an ant by way of a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you just understand how typically they burst into flames.

Harry Hill

It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a melancholy whenever you lose yours.

Harry S. Truman

Before marriage, a person declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he received’t even lay down his newspaper to speak to you.

Helen Rowland

Life begins at 40 – however so do fallen arches, rheumatism, defective eyesight, and the tendency to inform a narrative to the identical particular person, three or 4 occasions.

Helen Rowland

I’ve received all the cash I’ll ever want, if I die by 4 o’clock.

Henny Youngman

If you’re going to do one thing tonight that you just’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Henny Youngman

“All men are equal before fish.” – Herbert Hoover

If I need to knock a narrative off the entrance web page, I simply change my coiffure.

Hillary Clinton

You tried your greatest and also you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try.’

Homer Simpson

My grandfather as soon as advised me that there have been two varieties of individuals: those that do the work and people who take the credit score. He advised me to attempt to be within the first group; there was a lot much less competitors.

Indira Gandhi

People who suppose they know all the things are an awesome annoyance to these of us who do.

Isaac Asimov

I’d somewhat have 1% of the hassle of 100 males than 100% of my very own effort.

J. Paul Getty

My spouse Mary and I’ve been married for forty-seven years and never as soon as have we had an argument critical sufficient to contemplate divorce; homicide, sure, however divorce, by no means.

Jack Benny

When we speak to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.

Jane Wagner

Men are like footwear. Some match higher than others. And typically you exit procuring and there’s nothing you want. And then, as luck would have it, the subsequent week you discover two which can be good, however you don’t have the cash to purchase each.

Janet Evanovich

According to a brand new survey, 90% of males say their lover can also be their greatest buddy. Which is actually type of disturbing when you think about man’s greatest buddy is his canine.

Jay Leno

Here’s one thing to take into consideration: How come you by no means see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Jay Leno

My pessimism extends to the purpose of even suspecting the sincerity of different pessimists.

Jean Rostand

Haters are simply confused admirers as a result of they’ll’t work out the rationale why everybody loves you.

Jeffree Star

It’s wonderful that the quantity of stories that occurs on the planet day-after-day at all times simply precisely suits the newspaper.

Jerry Seinfeld

Laugh rather a lot. It burns lots of energy.

Jessica Simpson

“Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.” – Jim Davis

The easy act of opening a bottle of wine has introduced extra happiness to the human race than all of the collective governments within the historical past of earth.

Jim Harrison

Americans are extremely inpatient. Someone as soon as mentioned that the shortest time frame in America is the time between when the sunshine turns inexperienced and whenever you hear the primary horn honk.

Jim Rohn

Age is only a quantity. It’s completely irrelevant except, in fact, you occur to be a bottle of wine.

Joan Collins

Why is there a lot month left on the finish of the cash?

John Barrymore

Forgive your enemies, however always remember their names.

John F. Kennedy

I’ve come to view Jesus a lot the way in which I view Elvis. I like the man however the fan golf equipment actually freak me out.

John Fugelsang

Money will not be crucial factor on the planet. Love is. Fortunately, I like cash.

Jackie Mason

Women are wiser than males as a result of they know much less and perceive extra.

James Thurber

Life strikes fairly quick. If you don’t cease and go searching now and again, you could possibly miss it.

John Hughes

The avoidance of taxes is the one mental pursuit that also carries any reward.

John Maynard Keynes

“Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” – John Wayne

If life was honest, Elvis could be alive and all of the impersonators could be lifeless.

Johnny Carson

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.

Josh Billings

Facebook simply appears like a drag, in my day seeing photos of peoples holidays was thought-about a punishment.

Betty White

Everything that used to be a sin is now a illness.

Bill Maher

If there’s something the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s one other nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing commonplace of nonconformity.

Bill Vaughan

Money received’t purchase happiness, however it’s going to pay the salaries of a big analysis employees to examine the issue.

Bill Vaughan

A stockbroker urged me to purchase a inventory that might triple its worth yearly. I advised him, ‘At my age, I don’t even purchase inexperienced bananas.’

Claude Pepper

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Clint Eastwood

I’m too drunk to style this rooster.

Colonel Sanders

A examine within the Washington Post says that ladies have higher verbal abilities than males. I simply need to say to the authors of that examine: ‘Duh.’

Conan O’Brien

Starbucks says they’re going to begin placing non secular quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’

Conan O’Brien

The biggest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he’s nonetheless at massive.

Josh Billings

The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as silly as his viewers so that they consider they’re intelligent as he.

Karl Kraus

“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” – Katharine Hepburn

The protected means to double your cash is to fold it over as soon as and put it in your pocket.

Kin Hubbard

True terror is to get up one morning and uncover that your highschool class is working the nation.

Kurt Vonnegut

A profitable man is one who makes extra money than his spouse can spend. A profitable girl is one who can discover such a person.

Lana Turner

That’s the humorous factor about life. We’re not often conscious of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We spend a lot time worrying about how the long run goes to play out and never practically sufficient time admiring the valuable perfection of the current.

Lauren Miller

A person doesn’t know what he is aware of till he is aware of what he doesn’t know.

Laurence J. Peter

Originality is the wonderful artwork of remembering what you hear however forgetting the place you heard it.

Laurence J. Peter

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Lawrence Ferlinghetti

I at all times wished to be any individual, however now I understand I ought to have been extra particular.

Lily Tomlin

The highway to success is at all times beneath development.

Lily Tomlin

Until you worth your self, you received’t worth your time. Until you worth your time, you’ll not do something with it.

M. Scott Peck

Don’t preserve a person guessing too lengthy – he’s positive to discover the reply some place else.

Mae West

“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.” – Marc Maron

Cleaning up with youngsters round is like shoveling throughout a blizzard.

Margaret Culkin Banning

Always bear in mind that you’re completely distinctive. Just like everybody else.

Margaret Mead

Age is a matter of thoughts over matter. If you don’t thoughts, it doesn’t matter.

Mark Twain

Be cautious about studying well being books. You could die of a misprint.

Mark Twain

Clothes make the person. Naked folks have little or no affect on society.

Mark Twain

I’m an previous man and have identified an awesome many troubles, however most of them by no means occurred.

Mark Twain

I’m solely human, though I remorse it.

Mark Twain

I’d have written a shorter letter, however I didn’t have the time.

Mark Twain

Never postpone until tomorrow what you are able to do the day after tomorrow.

Mark Twain

The solely means to preserve your well being is to eat what you don’t need, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d somewhat not.

Mark Twain

When we bear in mind we’re all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands defined.

Mark Twain

Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.

Mark Twain

Do not make the error of treating your canines like people or they’ll deal with you want canines.

Martha Scott

Son, if you happen to actually need one thing on this life, you’ve got to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

Matt Groening

God is at dwelling, it’s we who’ve gone out for a stroll.

Meister Eckhart

In the previous 10,000 years, people have devised roughly 100,000 religions primarily based on roughly 2,500 gods. So the one distinction between myself and the believers is that I’m skeptical of two,500 gods whereas they’re skeptical of two,499 gods. We’re just one God away from complete settlement.

Michael Shermer

My principle is that each one of Scottish delicacies is predicated on a dare.

Mike Myers

Knowledge is realizing a tomato is a fruit; knowledge will not be placing it in a fruit salad.

Miles Kington

“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.” – Milton Berle

If evolution actually works, how come moms solely have two fingers?

Milton Berle

My physician advised me that jogging might add years to my life. I feel he was proper. I really feel ten years older already.

Milton Berle

I drank some boiling water as a result of I wished to whistle.

Mitch Hedberg

I choose somebody who burns the flag after which wraps themselves up within the Constitution over somebody who burns the Constitution after which wraps themselves up within the flag.

Molly Ivins

It’s only a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat folks up.

Muhammad Ali

God didn’t intend faith to be an train membership.

Naguib Mahfouz

The solely time a lady actually succeeds in altering a person is when he’s a child.

Natalie Wood

It’s at all times darkest earlier than the daybreak. So if you happen to’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

Navjot Singh Sidhu

The solely factor that stops God from sending one other flood is that the primary one was ineffective.

Nicolas Chamfort

When you go into courtroom you might be placing your destiny into the fingers of twelve individuals who weren’t sensible sufficient to get out of jury obligation.

Norm Crosby

As you become old three issues occur. The first is your reminiscence goes, and I can’t bear in mind the opposite two.

Norman Wisdom

Ask me no questions, and I’ll let you know no lies.

Oliver Goldsmith

If it’s essential to make a noise, make it quietly.

Oliver Hardy

A lady’s thoughts is cleaner than a person’s: She adjustments it extra typically.

Oliver Herford

“Man has his will, but woman has her way.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

Roses are purple, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.

Oscar Levant

There’s a wonderful line between genius and madness. I’ve erased this line.

Oscar Levant

What the world wants is extra geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.

Oscar Levant

Always borrow cash from a pessimist. He received’t anticipate it again.

Oscar Wilde

Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them a lot.

Oscar Wilde

I’m so intelligent that typically I don’t perceive a single phrase of what I’m saying.

Oscar Wilde

I can resist all the things besides temptation.

Oscar Wilde

I can stand brute drive, however brute purpose is sort of insufferable. There is one thing unfair about its use. It is hitting under the mind.

Oscar Wilde

A camel is a horse designed by a committee.

Sir Alec Issigonis

Of all of the issues I’ve misplaced I miss my thoughts essentially the most.

Ozzy Osbourne

The solely purpose some folks get misplaced in thought is as a result of it’s unfamiliar territory.

Paul Fix

To err is human, however to actually foul issues up you want a pc.

Paul R. Ehrlich

I’ve discovered from my errors, and I’m positive I can repeat them precisely.

Peter Cook

I need my youngsters to have all of the issues I couldn’t afford. Then I need to transfer in with them.

Phyllis Diller

We spend the primary twelve months of our youngsters’s lives instructing them to stroll and speak and the subsequent twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller

When a person opens a automobile door for his spouse, it’s both a brand new automobile or a brand new spouse.

Prince Philip

Life is a sexually transmitted illness.

R. D. Laing

I dream of a greater tomorrow, the place chickens can cross the highway and never be questioned about their motives.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” – Redd Foxx

The much less Holy Spirit we’ve got, the extra cake and occasional we’d like to preserve the church going.

Reinhard Bonnke

If you lived with a roommate as unstable as this financial system, you’d’ve moved out or demanded that your roommate get skilled assist.

Richard D. Wolff

When you’re in like it’s essentially the most wonderful two and a half days of your life.

Richard Lewis

Lead me not into temptation; I can discover the way in which myself.

Rita Mae Brown

I like being married. It’s so nice to discover that one particular particular person you need to annoy for the remainder of your life.

Rita Rudner

When I ultimately met Mr. Right I had no concept that his first identify was Always.

Rita Rudner

If you’ve got a secret, folks will sit a little bit bit nearer.

Rob Cordry

I’ve tried to know completely nothing about an awesome many issues, and I’ve succeeded pretty nicely.

Robert Benchley

The man who smiles when issues go mistaken has considered somebody to blame it on.

Robert Bloch

All my life I’ve wished, simply as soon as, to say one thing intelligent with out shedding my prepare of thought.

Robert Breault

By working faithfully eight hours a day you might ultimately get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

Robert Frost

Love is an irresistible need to be irresistibly desired.

Robert Frost

We’re all a little bit bizarre. And life is a little bit bizarre. And after we discover somebody whose weirdness is appropriate with ours, we be a part of up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and name it love — real love.

Robert Fulghum

Older folks shouldn’t eat well being meals, they want all of the preservatives they’ll get.

Robert Orben

I’m sorry, if you happen to have been proper, I’d agree with you.

Robin Williams

Why do they name it rush hour when nothing strikes?

Robin Williams

I discovered there was just one means to look skinny: hang around with fats folks.

Rodney Dangerfield

“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist advised me I used to be loopy and I mentioned I desire a second opinion. He mentioned okay, you’re ugly too.

Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we’ve got dinner aside, we take separate holidays – we’re doing all the things we will to preserve our marriage collectively.

Rodney Dangerfield

I consider that if life offers you lemons, it’s best to make lemonade… And attempt to discover any individual whose life has given them vodka, and have a celebration.

Ron White

It’s true exhausting work by no means killed anyone, however I determine, why take the possibility?

Ronald Reagan

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is whenever you lose yours.

Ronald Reagan

Have no worry of perfection. You’ll by no means attain it.

Salvador Dali

Inflation is whenever you pay fifteen {dollars} for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for 5 {dollars} whenever you had hair.

Sam Ewing

I dwell by my very own guidelines (reviewed, revised, and authorised by my spouse)… however nonetheless my very own.

Si Robertson

The hassle with telling a very good story is that it invariably reminds the opposite fellow of a uninteresting one.

Sid Caesar

Children at this time are tyrants. They contradict their dad and mom, gobble their meals, and tyrannize their lecturers.

Socrates

You can’t be something if you would like to be all the things.

Solomon Schechter

If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll by no means converse to you once more.

Stan Laurel

“Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.” – Stephen Colbert

Crocodiles are straightforward. They attempt to kill and eat you. People are tougher. Sometimes they fake to be your buddy first.

Steve Irwin

A day with out sunshine is like, , evening.

Steve Martin

It doesn’t matter whether or not you win or lose, what issues is whether or not I win or lose!

Steven Weinberg

A transparent conscience is normally the signal of a nasty reminiscence.

Steven Wright

I intend to dwell ceaselessly. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

The early chicken will get the worm, however the second mouse will get the cheese.

Steven Wright

A verbal contract isn’t well worth the paper it’s written on.

Samuel Goldwyn

I don’t suppose anybody ought to write their autobiography till after they’re lifeless.

Samuel Goldwyn

I don’t need any yes-men round me. I need all people to inform me the reality even when it prices them their job.

Samuel Goldwyn

I want I have been dumber so I may very well be extra sure about my opinions. It appears to be like enjoyable.

Scott Adams

If there aren’t any silly questions, then what sort of questions do silly folks ask? Do they get sensible simply in time to ask questions?

Scott Adams

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” – Steven Wright

You can’t have all the things. Where would you place it?

Steven Wright

When I hear any individual sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I’m at all times tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’

Sydney J. Harris

The world is a globe. The farther you sail, the nearer to dwelling you might be.

Terry Pratchett

If you could possibly kick the particular person within the pants liable for most of your hassle, you wouldn’t sit for a month.

Theodore Roosevelt

I’ve not failed. I’ve simply discovered 10,000 ways in which received’t work.

Thomas A. Edison

Opportunity is missed by most individuals as a result of it’s wearing overalls and appears like work.

Thomas A. Edison

It takes appreciable information simply to understand the extent of your personal ignorance.

Thomas Sowell

Happiness is an imaginary situation, previously attributed by the residing to the lifeless, now normally attributed by adults to youngsters, and by youngsters to adults.

Thomas Szasz

I do know that there are individuals who don’t love their fellow man, and I hate folks like that!

Tom Lehrer

I hate ladies as a result of they at all times know the place issues are.

Voltaire

A wealthy man is nothing however a poor man with cash.

W. C. Fields

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and moreover at all times carry a small snake.

W. C. Fields

If at first you don’t succeed, attempt, attempt once more. Then stop. There’s no level in being a rattling idiot about it.

W. C. Fields

We are all right here on earth to assist others. What on earth the others are right here for I don’t know.

W. H. Auden

An incredible pleasure in life is doing what folks say you can’t do.

Walter Bagehot

My physician gave me six months to dwell, however once I couldn’t pay the invoice he gave me six months extra.

Walter Matthau

Give me a lady who loves beer and I’ll conquer the world.

Wilhelm II

Half our life is spent making an attempt to discover one thing to do with the time we’ve got rushed by way of life making an attempt to save.

Will Rogers

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers

When I die, I need to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all of the passengers in his automobile.

Will Rogers

Common sense and a humorousness are the identical factor, shifting at completely different speeds. A humorousness is simply frequent sense, dancing.

William James

A lie will get midway world wide earlier than the reality has an opportunity to get its pants on.

Winston Churchill

If you’re going by way of hell, preserve going.

Winston Churchill

You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for one thing, someday in your life.

Winston Churchill

I don’t need to obtain immortality by way of my work. I need to obtain it by way of not dying.

Woody Allen

I’m such a very good lover as a result of I follow rather a lot alone.

Woody Allen

Marriage is like mushrooms: we discover too late if they’re good or dangerous.

Woody Allen

Everybody laughs the identical in each language as a result of laughter is a common connection.

Yakov Smirnoff

Always go to different folks’s funerals, in any other case they received’t come to yours.

Yogi Berra

“If you come to a fork in the road, take it.” – Yogi Berra

You’ve received to be very cautious if you happen to don’t know the place you’re going, since you won’t get there.

Yogi Berra

People typically say that motivation doesn’t final. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we suggest it day by day.

Zig Ziglar

A person in love is incomplete till he has married. Then he’s completed.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

I don’t suppose I’ve seen anybody laughing on the way in which to a financial institution.

Ric Ducommon

We hope our assortment of humorous quotes from comedians, celebrities, and philosophers made you giggle out loud and provides you the cheer you want to get by way of the day. Come again anytime you possibly can benefit from a good laugh, and keep impressed.

Updated February 1, 2021.

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